Faith, Failure, and Freedom

It's just a look into our lives for the last two years and why we've been sorta MIA. Take a moment and chew on what we've written...and hopefully it can help you in some way. 

 

All of Our Love,

 

Julius & Rachel

 

It's been a while since we've written for this blog. When life started happening, it was the last thing we thought about. In June of 2014, we celebrated our five year anniversary and it forced us to sit and reflect on the last five years. No doubt, they've been hard, but manageable. The last year and a half presented us with new issues that we'd never thought would hit our door and forced us to become even closer to each other, but most importantly, to God. 

 

If you don't have a minute...set this down and come back. We've got a story to tell and it's a doozy.

 

Let me start this off by saying that 2011 and 2012 were very good years. Not all great things were happening during those times, but we were finally getting a handle on everything. For those of you who have been with us since the beginning, you know that for our first two years of marriage, we lived in a college dorm room. It was a sacrifice we made to get our post-graduate schooling paid for. Our kitchen was a hot plate and toaster oven on top of a bed. (Yikes!) So when we finally graduated in 2011, (him with his MBA and me with my JD) we were finally ready to leave the dormitory we called home for two years and begin behaving like adults. We were moving to Los Angeles, CA.

 

2011 was awesome because we'd graduated, were out of the dorm, able to move to Los Angeles, Julius was working, and I just passed the bar exam and got an amazing job a few months after moving to LA.

 

 

2012 was awesome because we finally started making some money. I mean the good kind. The kind that allows you to start looking for homes in Los Angeles. Yea...you know the kinda money I'm talking about. We got a dog, did some traveling and enjoyed life. Nevertheless, we still felt like we weren't being paid our worth and we were working too hard to still feel so broke and beat down. That's when it happened. We changed our prayer, and boy did it change us. At the end of 2012, we started praying for wisdom, peace, joy, discernment, and financial freedom. As I sit here writing this, I ask myself, if I knew then, what I know now, would I still have the same prayer? The tired part of me says "HELL NO!" the fulfilled part of me says "absolutely!"

 

2012 was going so good, I decided to take the February 2013 California Bar Exam. Doing this would allow me to at least triple my income, without adding much effort. Who doesn't want that? January 2013, I began studying for the bar exam, and shortly thereafter, all hell broke loose. About a month into studying for the bar exam, Julius got sick. Real sick. Not death bed sick, but sick enough for me to stop studying for a few days. I knew from a previous rendezvous with the bar that I could only afford a few days of not studying before I hurt my chances. Julius wasn't getting better and now my dog is sick too. I start having panic attacks because I'm not sure what God is telling me. Take care of my sick husband, or study so I can pass. I tried to do both. Huge. Mistake. It got to a point where I was having anxiety attacks every time I tried to even look at a notecard. All while we're doing this, we're handling a lot of things spiritually. Trying to find peace and joy when all we have is pure turmoil. I stopped studying. It was the only thing that gave me peace. Three weeks before the exam, I never pulled out another notecard. I just felt like passing wasn't worth me neglecting my husband and sacrificing my peace of mind. I still took the exam hoping that what I'd done was enough. 

 

Now while all this is happening, Julius is sick, but Julius is still working. The issue is, he had "no choice." You know those seasons in companies that have blackout days, where you MUST work. Julius's department had these four times a year, where he's working damn near 60-70 hour weeks. Did I mention he's VERY ill? At this point I'm fed up. Julius HATES his job, he feels awful, and can't stop working. Nope. I finally convince Julius to put in his two weeks notice. I'm satisfied with this request, because once I pass the bar, I can take on the finances of the household while he recoups. Plus my job was going fabulously before I went to study for the bar, so I could take it.

 

I take the bar and come back to work. A little background. I finished the bar and came back to work, and when I tell you the shit was in SHAMBLES...that's what I mean. It was like no one had done any work while I was gone. So now I'm sitting here wondering if this is really a place I can stay to keep my household afloat while Julius recovers. This is when things really get interesting.

 

Julius's last day was scheduled for 3/28/2013. On 3/27/2013 (this is also Julius and my 10 year anniversary as a couple) I receive an email saying that we should go our separate ways. I totally agreed, because it had gotten bad, but what was I going to do? We had enough savings for a few months, but nothing that would last us in Los Angeles. (Uh. Oh.) It was cool because even though I left the firm, I had back logged settlements that should hold us over until we got on our feet. Except, my boss decided arbitrarily to withhold all of my settlements and basically said, if I want them, I'd have to take her to court. Ummmm what?!? Yes. So no jobs, no income, no health insurance, and no prospects. 

 

So I'm thinking, God must have us on this bar exam. I mean, how else does this work? LA is expensive. Neither of us have other options, this must be it. Nope. I FAILED. Now we're just looking at each other and looking up...like...umm...what's the deal? 

 

Now while ALLLLLLLLLLLL of this is happening, our lease is up on our current apartment. We wanted to move out of our one bedroom and move somewhere else. Before I failed the bar, when I still had hope we would be fine, we'd already looked at a spot. It was a two-bedroom, two bathroom loft with a walk score of 97. It was exactly where we thought we should live after a dormitory and a cramped one-bedroom. I looked up, prayed, and filled out the application. Now here's the kicker. I didn't lie on the application. I said straight up, we have no jobs, no income, and no prospects. We were approved in less than 24 hours. LOOK. AT. GOD. (And Julius's credit LOL) We're moving on up. Things are tough, but we got our dream spot. Also, the other option was an Extended Stay...and No.

 

The first month things are going well. Julius is healing and working on television properties that he's pitching, and I'm working on something HUGE for Howard University. The feedback we've received has been extremely positive and now we believe we're finally working towards the goals God had for us all along. Except, things stopped going so great month two. Folks we had been dealing with went MIA. Emails and phone calls went unanswered. Our credit cards are maxed. We're either not qualified or uninterested in most of the jobs in the market, and no calls back from the few we did apply to. Now we're down to our LAST $20.00 and rent is due. We waited for eight (8) days for a breakthrough or something. Nothing. What we did get was an eviction notice. We look at each other just exhausted. We've cried too much. Argued too much. Tried too hard, and we don't know what to do. We were so broke, we were sharing Chipotle bowls, trying to get all the free extras we could. With nothing left to do, Julius calls his father. 

 

He explains to him the situation and without hesitation he transfers the exact amount Julius asked for to his account. LOOK. AT. GOD. Now you know, the LAST thing we wanted to do is call our parents. ESPECIALLY to cover our expensive CA living expenses. But the truth was, we didn't have any other options. Julius had relapsed. I woke up each morning with panic attacks and gastrointestinal issues. Even if we wanted to work, physically we couldn't. We were emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained.

 

There were some days we just spent in dark spaces. Words like divorce and separation seemed like foregone conclusions. Prayers were seemingly going unanswered and while all of this was happening, the world continued to spin as if ours wasn't in complete shambles. In fact, the only person that knew of what we were going through was Julius's dad. No one else knew. Many of our closest friends and family members are reading about this for the first time, right now. To the rest of the world, we were just on our grind trying to make it happen. Our world was completely falling apart. 

 

Each month we got new hope followed by major disappointment. Each month, we had to cry and make another phone call. Each moment, we were praying that this is what God wanted for us. This has been the pattern and remains that way to this day. 

 

Fast forward to May 2014. At this point we're debating leaving California so that we can pursue our endeavor with Howard University full-time. We're admittedly reluctant because the University has been less than helpful, but we believe in our work and that ultimately Howard will pull it together. We decide to leave California. At this point, we have no money, no prospective place to stay, and no jobs. Then I get a message from my line sister (Hey PRIVY)... 

 

She explains that she'll be gone for the summer, and we are more than welcome to stay in her apartment until we get on our feet. LOOK. AT. GOD. We're on our way back to DC, have a place to stay, and meetings set up with all the right folks, we're cooking with gas. Because we couldn't afford to ship our car, we packed it up and drove cross country. We gave all of our belongings away to a family in need, because, of course we couldn't sell it. (Even though we tried) And kissed CA good bye. Everything was looking UP.

 

 

Yea...no. Two months of diligent work were put in. Positions that were supposed to be secured fell through, folks who thought they had power to get things done did not, and my line sister is coming back in a week. What in the world are we going to do? Go back home? Go back to the office jobs we left, that made us physically ill and gave us no peace? If that's the case, what was all this suffering and hope for?! We decide to remain diligent. 

 

Nevertheless, my line sister comes back, we move out...and we stay in a hotel for a week. Hoping, praying, pretty much begging, for something to happen. A few meetings gave us hope...but eventually the hotel stay points we accumulated from maxing our credit cards dissipated and we either had to go home, or find some place to stay, but we couldn't afford to stay at a hotel another night. In walks Julius's older brother. He has a spare room, and offers it to us for as long as we need. 

 

So now (present day), here I am, back leaned up against the door, trying not to touch the air mattress he's sleeping on...because it'll surely wake him up. I know he's exhausted, because we have to blow it up 2 or 3 times every night. But thank God I'm not sleeping in my car or under my parents' roof. I look at him, I look around, and even though I probably shouldn't, I feel so incredibly free.

 

Why?!

 

We believed, and still do, with all our hearts, that this is exactly the path we're supposed to be on. It's been so ugly, you might ask why.

 

Since that fateful day in March 2013, Julius and I have had the opportunity to spend 24/7 with each other. It has been an interesting transition, but now we can't imagine NOT being around each other allllllll the time. And y'all thought we were bad before. (Yikes!)

 

We've been allowed to dream, and pursue those dreams fervently.

 

I, personally, have broken free from the monsters of anxiety, (which I had Every. Single. Day.)

people pleasing, and insecurity. Also, my gastrointestinal issues have been all, but cured. Julius's illness has gotten much better and he's much happier, outside of corporate America.

 

Since we haven't had health insurance, this season has forced us to try natural remedies to address our ailments. We (especially me) now see the benefits of acupuncture, medicinal marijuana, and having good health.

 

Most importantly, we understand, all too deeply, what the saying "health, before wealth" means.

 

Our marriage is so much stronger. We also appreciate the privacy we were afforded by our friends and family. That time allowed us to decide to go into business with each other, and handle those growing pains outside of the public eye.

  

We don't know what happens next. What this faith journey has taught us, is that We. Are. Not. In. Control. Of. Any. Damn. Thing. 

 

It behooves us to remember that.  

 

We have billionaire dreams, and trillionaire ambitions. I've needed every single bit of growth I've experienced these past few years, and know I couldn't undertake the task placed ahead of us without it. And when I look at stories of success, these hardships are always riddled through it. What makes us any different?!

 

We've lost friends, because they just couldn't understand our need for privacy. They'll no doubt come out of the wood work to apologize, and we'll listen. But really, we know where we stand.  

 

As we prepare to go to our first gym session of the summer (if you see me, don't say shit about my weight, lest you get cussed out), we remain so humbled and optimistic for our future. We could tell you what we're working on, but then we'd have to kill you. I guess this story is to let you know, whatever we achieve, when He says it's time, know....It didn't happen overnight.