Why You're Not Married

So because I have writer's block. I am letting someone else write for me. This was on the Huffington Post. Here's the link, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

I don't know ladies, I tend to agree with her. I can't wait to hear the comments on this one.

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size. Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will notbe doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.

Truth Be Told

So the other night I found myself in a bad mood (as the old folk say, I threw a hissy fit). For the first time in our short-lived existence, Young, Black, and Married received some backlash. Now it wasn’t only what was said, but how it was said. One of my main reservations with writing a blog was misinterpretation. Depending on how you read or absorb content, it may be misconstrued. To talk specifics, I didn’t necessarily appreciate how some people (males in particular) took my baby’s article, “A Message to All the Single Fellas”. For those that didn’t miss the point, thanks for your lack of simpleness (won’t find that in Webster’s). We have, and always will, write based on our personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences (why the hell else would anybody write a blog). Maybe I’m being biased, but I had no idea that some readers (again, males) would take such offense to what was written. From that one article, some people got the impression that my baby is either some type of cold, heartless bitch, or that I’m some type of superficial dude that steam-rolls over Rachel’s ass whenever I feel like it. Not the case on either end. We do what works for us. Period. And believe it or not, we work WITH each other (as evidenced by this blog).

Now I’m all for great debates and different perspectives, but if your goal is knit-pick your way through an article, what value are you adding to the dialogue? We’ll use Teddy P. or T-Pain whenever we see fit. If they emphasize the point of our message, guess what, we’re using it. If our experience has been, “getting cussed out”, or “doing somebody wrong”, that’s our experience. We live and we learn. Maybe if somebody cussed you out, you might be a little further along in life. As I stated in my article, one size DOES NOT fit all, so do what works for you. If you don’t want to hear the truth, so be it. If you want someone to whisper sweet nothings in your ear all day, good luck finding her. If you already have her, more power to you. I grew up getting yelled at, cussed out, and beat (no, I wasn’t a slave – mommy and daddy loved me), and I’m not complaining. If it keeps me out of jail or the grave, I’m all ears! I’m off topic, but I had to get that off my chest. I got your back baby! You can be as crazy as you want with me.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand…In my infinite wisdom, I made the executive decision to write to the ladies, and Rachel write to the fellas. I felt (and still do feel) that it was important to understand the opposite sex’s perspective. I could critique the fellas all day, but it’s not me they’re after (no comment), and visa versa. What was more important was to understand what we see in ourselves that could use a second look. After all, at the end of the day we’re fighting black marriage statistics, not each other.

In looking at and listening to some of the comments that were made, I found myself second-guessing….MYSELF. I sat down wondering if I missed something. Then I realized, “Do you fools listen to music, or do you just skim through it?” (Jay-Z gives me a nugget from time-to-time). It’s a shame when the people who need it most miss the point. We (men) CAN be emotionally withdrawn. We DO have self-esteem issues, and we CAN be too prideful. The women in our lives see us for who we are, both good and bad. It’s better that they bring up our faults so we can get our game tight rather than navigating through the world looking ridiculous. Call it tough love.

Rachel and I talked it out, and a valid point that she and one of her colleagues brought up was that men in general (myself included) can be very sensitive at times. The minute someone points out our faults or short-comings, we either go on the attack, or try and dodge bullets like we’re Neo in the Matrix. Sometimes we just need to take it on the chin. No, I’m not an advocate for women talking to men any ole way they want, but I am of the opinion that we could stand to be a little less sensitive when women do “critique” us. Part of the problem is that we as men aren’t subject to the same type of scrutiny that women go through. They’ve heard for years that they need to dress a certain way, act a certain way, and look a certain way. Can’t say we’ve been held to the same standard, and therefore, taking criticism wasn’t (and isn’t) as natural for us. What I’ve learned over the years is that I’m better as a man, a leader, and a husband because of the criticism I’ve taken over the years. No, it wasn’t always packaged in a pretty box with a nice bow and ribbon attached, but that didn’t stop me from working on bettering myself. I’ll never forget being in high school and my mom telling me that, “No woman’s going to want to suck on your face with all that shit on it.” Were my feelings hurt? Yes!! Did I let her bust that acne on my face? Hell Yes!!! Why?? Because I looked 10 times better after she worked on my face. Had she never said anything, I would’ve walked around thinking it was all good when it really wasn’t.

If you don’t want to be better, keep on doing what you’re doing and see where it gets you. Yes, women can be abrasive at times, but don’t let that stop you from absorbing good information. Remember, they wouldn’t say it if they didn’t care, even though it may not feel that way at the time.

“The truth hurts, but you can’t be scared of it.” - Outkast