If Your Girl Only Knew...

“She would probably leave you alone, she would probably cuss you out and unplug her phone…” So the late great Aaliyah was talking about cheating, but I’m talking about something a lot more common. If your girl is unrealistic and insecure, there is a 100% chance that this very controversial topic causes an argument in your household on a daily basis. I am talking about the infamous ‘other’ women. Yes PLURAL…WOMEN. This isn’t a typo, but a statement of fact. If your man is straight (and if he’s not, you’ve got a whole host of other issues you need to deal with), you have to deal with this madness on a daily basis. It’s how you handle it that separates the girls from the women. So picture this….

A few postings ago, Julius told you that we went to the club the other week for a friends’ birthday. While in the club, a chick walks past with her boobs all out! I mean she might as well have come to the club wearing pasties. Now, I saw the boobs (and I’m a straight female), therefore, I KNOW Julius saw the boobs!! I mean Stevie Wonder could see the boobies. The question is, what happened next? Well, allow me to explain…I turned around and asked Julius, “Did you see the JUGS on that one?!” His response, “You know I saw them damn things!” Afterwards, we proceeded to talk about how ridiculous she looked. Did I get mad at Julius for peeking at the goodies…No ma’am. Why, because he’s a man, and I’m no fool. It’d be ridiculous of me to expect Julius to go blind every time a big ass, huge boobs, or a beautiful woman walks past. The difference between a gentleman, (which Julius is) and a jerk, is that Julius takes a passing glance and doesn’t GAWK. I’ve actually never caught Julius (in EIGHT long years) looking at another woman. Now that’s a slick partna (or a smooth criminal) for you. He respects me enough to handle his business discretely, and I’m woman enough to know that it’s going to happen. But let’s talk about the double standard for just a moment!

A few weeks ago I went to Julius’ flag football game. His team was in all black, and the other team initially looked like scrubs in sweatpants, looking extra raggedy. Well come to find out, that was just their practice gear. Once the game began, these young stunnas disrobed and revealed the bodies of Roman Gods. I mean straight spandex with muscles bulging everywhere. As I sat in the stands with other wives, I said WAIT A MINUTE… A girl said, imma tell Julius…I said tell him…and while you’re at it, tell him to get in the gym if he’s jealous. After the game, Julius and I had a conversation about it. More importantly, I didn’t hide from Julius the fact that I noticed. More to the point, Julius didn’t give a damn. Why? Because he’s secure in his manhood, and the last time I checked, looking ain’t cheating.

So there you have it, Julius looks at women, and I look at men, and we’re both happily married. Now what?! Don’t be the girl that has an attitude because your man looks at another woman. He is a man; of course he’s going to. If your man respects you, there will never be a situation where you feel disrespected because of his actions. And be honest, you wanted to go see Takers just because of all the eye candy in the movie, not because you’re an action junkie who loves gangsta movies. The same way you sneak a peak at a good looking brotha who has it going on, don’t look at his observations as slights against you, because they’re not. At the end of the day, home is where is heart is, and Julius comes home with me every night.

But be clear, if I happen to catch Julius doing ANYTHING other than looking at another female, there will be consequences and repercussions. Jay-Z said it best in La, La, La (Excuse Me Again), “Look but don't touch, muthaf&^%a think twice cuz this gat that I clutch gotta little red light. Need a light?”

Your "Type" Should be a Guideline, NOT a Checklist

This video (posted by ooziebrown on Youtube) has accumulated A LOT of buzz around the relationship world. I will keep my peace on whether or not I think she's right...However, I have reposted what I think about having a checklist when you're single and looking. (FYI I posted this when Chilis' show was still on.)

We would like to hear your comments about the video in general, and the article. Let's get some DIALOGUE going!

When Julius and I first met, I had a man. A man that I thought was the perfect gentleman and whom I was sure to marry. He didn’t drink, cuss, smoke, treated his mama right, was very attractive, and went to church WITH me every Sunday. We were in love. Then I met Julius. Initially, he wanted me, and I could not care less about him. Rude right?! At 17 I didn’t care. He was tall, lanky, country, smoked, drank, believed in God, but wouldn’t go to church (how many times have we heard that?), and last but not least he cussed like a sailor. Needless to say, he was not my "type". I was kind of like Chili. My list of qualities I was looking for in a man was a mile long, and before I met Julius, every one of my boyfriends had fit the bill. The thing that Julius had that no one else did was sick conversation.

Too many times we write potential mates off because we aren't initially attracted to them, or they don’t fit into this box of what we "think" an ideal mate should be. If I wrote Julius off, or more importantly, if he wrote me off because of my type, I would be without a husband. And did I settle? HELL NO!!

Julius and I started to converse on a very regular basis. Since we were just friends (being friends first, what an interesting concept), I had no problem telling him exactly what I wanted in a man. Good thing for me it didn’t scare him away. Eventually I moved on from my relationship with my boyfriend, but Julius and I continued to talk. Our conversations lasted for HOURS.

Eventually we started dating. Did Julius stop drinking? No, but we recognized adult limits. Did he stop smoking? Eventually. Did he stop cussing? Hell, I cuss too. Did he start going to church? Yes, and now we pray together every night. If I gave up from the door, where would I be? ALONE!! Was I initially attracted to Julius? No, but he is the SEXIEST man alive now.

Did I lose my values, no, but as I grew, and we grew as a couple, Julius didn’t conform to my standards, he just reformed into a better person, and a better mate for me. We had a helluva time every step of the way.

At the end of the day, remember why you have a type in the first place. You want someone who shares the same values, but don’t let your “type” stop you from finding the one you're meant to be with. After all, has Chili found what she wants yet? NO!

A Marathon...NOT a Sprint

On Saturday, October 2, 2010, I achieved a major milestone in my life. I ran my FIRST 5K. No, a 5K is not 5,000 miles, as Dunder Mifflin Regional Manager Michael Scott thought, it is a mere 3.1 miles. For the running enthusiast, this is NOTHING. But for my thick behind, this was a MAJOR feat. At first glance, this might seem like this has nothing to do with being Young, Black, or Married, but in reality, it has to do with all three.

As a child, I was small, fat, small again, and now I will classify myself as thick. I have fat genes in my family (thanks mom and dad), and at 25, I see the weight (which is a significant, but undisclosed amount) that I gained at Howard holding onto my thighs for dear life. As a black woman, being overweight brings a whole HOST of issues that could affect my health. Therefore, it is important for me to watch what I eat, and have an exercise regimen that I will stick to. I’ve played the whole, “I’ll start my diet tomorrow”, or “maybe if I just walk an extra 20 minutes a day the weight will come off,” game. Yea, it doesn’t work. Therefore, when I set the goal in May to run a 5K by fall, I had to be serious. In May, I wasn’t even able to run more than 3 minutes without stopping. My time for the 5K (which in runner speech is terrible) was 42 minutes (of NON-STOP jogging). For me, that was an amazing feat.

When Julius and I met, I was between a size 2 and 4. If you see me now, I’m obviously not that small. Even then, Julius said I could stand to gain some weight (he’s from the south, so he likes them a little thick). I took his words way too literally, and went completely ape shit. Or did I? I thought since I was young, I could eat whatever I wanted, do whatever I wanted, and I wouldn’t gain weight. LIES AND DECEIT. However, through it all, Julius has never judged, belittled, or made me feel as if I was not pretty. Well I guess he couldn’t, cause I am still a FINE STONE-COLD DIME. Nevertheless, when I started my weight loss journey, he was and is 100% supportive. He’s supported me through my countless diets, cooked healthier food, and always exercises with me. (He ran the 5K too, 20 minutes faster than me, but he did it just to support me.) And, if you’ve seen Julius, you know he doesn’t need to do ANY of the above. He does it because he loves me. And I love him for his truly unconditional love. But if I consider myself to be a good mate, I know that to keep the passion and fire in our relationship, I have to work on my flaws as well. He shouldn’t need to point it out for me to want to fix it. That comes with time, and serious self-reflection.

I haven’t reached my weight goal yet, but I know I will. I am in some of the best shape of my life, and I am happy that I have my husband/best friend to share this with. I am gearing up for a 10K in December, and I know that Julius will be right there with me.