Marriage Material

We hope that this section will develop into an ongoing conversation around what qualities people seek in their mates.  You will also get tips from us on the do's and dont's of what we see in the world of dating. 

A Message to All the Single Fellas

While Julius wanted to handle the ladies the first time around, he left it up to me to handle the men. I’m cool with that because I call you my brothers, and that’s the reason I have to tell you the TRUTH.

First, let me clear up a misconception about black men. YES, you ARE God’s great gift to this earth. It’s clear that so many of you think you’re a gift for some of the wrong reasons, but the reality is God created man to be both a provider and partner for women. When He made you in His image, He was giving a gift to this earth and to the women that inhabit it. So if you thought that you were a gift for some other narcissistic reason, let me clear that up for you right now.

Understand, I LOVE BLACK MEN! Truly I do, and so many other black women love you too.But by the sheer numbers, y’all can’t afford to be “ain’t sh&&t niggas.” ABC looked at the stats, and once you eliminate jobless, non-college educated, and incarcerated men, only 54% of the black male population is eligible. And once you remove the men who are gay and on the down low, that number gets smaller. The biggest problem is that black men are under the misguided impression that “ain’t sh&&t niggas” only reside in the projects or jail cells. In actuality, I have seen them in law school, in undergrad, at Howard, at Harvard, in hospitals, on TV, in ministry etc. etc. etc. You think (for all the wrong reasons) that because you have a degree, or that you have a 6-figure salary, or that you don’t hit your women that you are some type of hot commodity. And because you’re a hot commodity, black women should be thankful for you and therefore should kiss the ground you walk on. For lack of a better term….NEGRO PLEASE!

While you may have physical and material riches, black men come with a whole host of other issues. Many of you are emotionally withdrawn, you are unable to let your woman shine, you have self-esteem issues, your pride is ridiculous, and last, but maybe most importantly, you refuse to let your woman “talk to you crazy.” It doesn’t matter that she has valid things to say.Or that she has a mind of her own to speak her opinions…at the end of the day you just don’t want to hear that black woman’s mouth. So the moral of this story is….black men…GROW THE HELL UP!! Since I am a black woman, I understand the difficulties that black men face having to deal with us. Julius deals with me on a daily basis. I am a lot more willing than some black women to recognize that being with me is definitely a job, but the benefits outweigh the work.

Here is my truth. The men in my family LOVE me and can’t stand me all at the same time.Why?! Because I have a tongue that can spit daggers! My brother nicknamed me at a very young age “Mouth Almighty.” Men want their daughters to grow up and be like me, but they could never see themselves dating someone like me. When Julius and I started dating, the men in my family at different times, and in different places asked Julius how does he put up with my mouth? Julius will tell you that usually, I don’t bring it his way. Ask my ex-boyfriends, and they will tell you something different. For the most part, I AM the stereotypical black woman (and that’s only if I were to give stereotypes any credence). I’m loud, got a smart mouth, very independent, can be mean at times, and sometimes I just don’t listen. But I’m married. How did that happen? It’s simple…I got a man that wasn’t afraid of a woman! A real woman! A strong woman!

When Julius met me, he knew that I was going to be a handful, but he didn’t care. When I did him wrong, or cussed him out, he didn’t run. He stood his ground because he knew what he was getting; a college educated, sexy, independent, sexy, move-making, sexy, soon to be attorney who could live up to the cliché of working the corporate dinner and the Super Bowl party. I am Julius’ ride or die, his other half, his sounding board, his soul mate, and his wife. Julius learned to how to handle me, and I learned how to let him run this household. But that didn’t happen overnight, or even in the first 6 years. It was a process. Black men, if you are scared of what black women have to offer, you will never reap the benefits of having the best partner you could ever dream of. Julius is a BETTER MAN because I am with him. He knows, it, and I know it. I saw potential in Julius that he couldn’t see in himself. However, if he only dated women who listened to him, but not the other way around, he wouldn’t be able to reach his full potential.And he wouldn’t have a partner who is there to HELP elevate him to the next level. It works both ways too, because I am a MUCH better woman because he is with me.

As I stated in the beginning, YES you ARE God’s great gift to this earth, but Black women are God’s great gift to YOU!!! Like T. Pain said, “She makes me feel so good. Better than I would by myself or, if I was with somebody else.” Being with a black woman takes work, but everything worth having in life is worth working for.

A Message to All the Single Ladies

I figured I’d put this article out before Rachel comes through and wrecks the scene. This is aimed at my sisters. I call you my sisters, because if you weren’t I wouldn’t be telling you this.This…being the TRUTH.

I have a deep-rooted love for black women. Always have, always will. With that being the case, I want to do everything I can to make sure that nothing hinders your pursuit of happiness.Having said that, I can definitely understand why SOME of you are NOT married. Sad, but true.Some of you set your standards way too high, while others let guys run over you. Some of you walk the earth like you just rolled out of the bed, while others are so made up, brothers end up playing the guessing game as to which parts of you are real or fake (nails, hair, chest, ass, etc).Some of you aren’t the brightest, while others are too smart for your own damn good. For those of you that don’t THINK you fit any of the extreme categories mentioned above, don’t feel left out; you’re still not out of the woods yet. Why? Well, for as simple as the male species can be at times, we do pursue a certain “type” of woman in regards to marriage. I use the term “type” loosely because one size does NOT fit all.

Now before my sisters go off on the deep end, talkin’ bout how “ni&&as ain’t shit”, figure out what it is about yourself that attracts “ain’t shit ni&&as”. We all have room to improve. I think we’re all overdue to have an honest conversation with ourselves.

I’ll start first. Even though Rachel and I have been together for over 8 years, marriage wasn’t always a sure thing. Sure, she was very into me, but that doesn’t automatically translate into a lifelong partnership. I smoked and drank a lot, wore baggy clothes, pursued money over happiness, and had a host of other issues that I had to work through. Other issues included being insecure at times, jealous, envious, etc. My relationship with the Lord wasn’t as strong as Rachel’s, and she was more mature and confident in herself than I was. I was far more concerned with how I wanted Rachel to act, look and dress than I was about how I should act, look and dress. For all the positive qualities I possessed, they just barely outweighed the issues I brought to the table. How did I begin to expose and deal with those issues? Slowly. 

Change isn’t an overnight process, and it can’t be done alone. A lot of my issues were exposed through various people in my life. People that cared for me and my well-being. The big thing for me was putting my pride to the side and working on my faults.

In no way am I letting Rachel off the hook either. While I won’t go into her closet, let’s just say that we both had some growing to do. Even when we look at what we perceive to be our “ideal” mate, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he/she is the individual we’re supposed to be with.What we find, as illustrated in fairy tales (don’t judge me), is that often these women don’t end up with their ideal mates. Beauty and the Beast, Shrek, and Cinderella are all classic examples of how people went against social norms to be with the one that was truly meant for them.Sacrifices were made and people were judged, but they made the conscious decision to pursue each other despite faults and how society viewed them. More importantly, in each of these cases someone had to do a bit of self-improvement to better who they were.

It’s all about putting your best foot forward. Want a man with good conversation? Talk about something worth talking about. Want a man who’s health conscious? Fit the build of a woman who cares about her appearance. Want somebody smart, witty or outgoing? Be willing and able to play your part. Nobody’s perfect, but perfection is what we should all strive for. Like HOV, “I’m far from being God, but I work goddamn hard”.

Rachel and others have played their part and did their homework. Now it’s your turn. “He without sin shall cast the first stone, so look in the mirror and double check your appearance….”