Just the Two of Us

My parents had two kids, so it’s just my brother, my mother, my father and me. Needless to say, we’re pretty close. My father has four siblings and my mother has three, which means I was blessed (or cursed in some cases) with 16 FIRST cousins. Julius has 6 siblings (somebody got busy!). With that said, we have a ton of family members that have the potential to “get all up in our business.” These aren’t just random friends we met around the way or in college (not that I don’t look at y’all like sisters and brothers) but this is family. We always say that blood is thicker than water (which is debatable), so these are “close” relatives that you should feel comfortable sharing your intimate issues with.

Three weeks ago, I went to Texas to visit my mom’s side of the family. Me and Julius went on a walk with my little cousin and throughout the conversation we learned way too much about certain family members; information that would be considered “grown folk’s business.” Nevertheless I listened intently to see what this just turned 17, itchy booty little boy had to say. What I realized is that in order for your business to remain YOUR business, it’s in your best interest to keep it to your damn self.

So many people think that when things are tough in your relationship you should be able to turn to your sister or brother to give you objective advice. Please! That’s a rose-colored glasses view of what the hell is actually going to happen. If I tell my mama that Julius is staying out all times of the night, drinking and smoking his ass off (which, if he would like to live to see another night, would never happen, reference my wrath in “The Tale of Two Cities” for more information) my mama’s going to be pissed at Julius; on top of the fact that she’s going to tell her best friend, my father. WHY?! Because she’s MY MAMA, not his! At the end of the day, no matter how much she loves and likes Julius, I’m her flesh and blood.

On another note, I shouldn’t know about the sexual issues married family members have, but I do. I shouldn’t know about the financial issues married family members have, but I do. What happened is, you told your mama, who told your sister, who told her kids, and all along the way, the information was prefaced with “now don’t tell anyone else” or “keep this between me and you”. Now in this purely hypothetical world, every member of the family knows that your husband can’t get it up, and if it gets back to him that you told somebody, how does that make him feel? Better yet, how is your family looking at him?

In your marriage vows, you vow to forsake all others and cleave to your husband or wife. If I have a problem in my marriage, some issues with Julius, or whatever, I go to God FIRST, and then I work things out with Julius. PERIOD!!! If the need arises for you to seek outside help, do so, but do it as a couple, because quite frankly, there should be no secrets. Please believe, trust, and understand, whenever I have a problem with Julius (for WHATEVER reason), I go to Julius, and it’s the same way vice versa. Need an example, like to hear it, hear it goes. Julius loves me the way I am, and I am a beautiful size 10, but he has made it clear that he would like me to be a size 6ish. Am I mad at him? No. Why? Because I was a size 4 when he met me, and I for damn sure would like to be a size 6 too. But how would I look if all of his family is looking at me like I am some type of chubbykins, and he hasn't said a damn thing to me? He’d look pretty stupid. So we work on this together. We communicate with each other.

If you have open and HONEST communication in your marriage, you won’t need to talk to anyone else, because you can talk to each other. Don’t believe me? Ask my mama when’s the last time I talked to her about my relationship, let alone my marriage.

A Tale of Two Cities

It started back in December of 2006, when Rachel decided she was sick and tired of living with me, and bounced from Chicago and moved to Pittsburgh. Well, that’s not exactly true. Rachel decided to pursue a great opportunity in Pittsburgh, and I had just started a new job in June. And so there we were, a couple on the verge of doing the long distance thing. While it was sad to see her go (partied like hell later that night), I took this as an opportunity to live it up in the city and hang out with some real pimps I’d met while in Chicago (you know the Chi is known for pimpin’). See, Rachel was (and still is) more of a homebody, and I was (and still am a bit) a fiend for the nightlife. As far as I was concerned, this was an opportunity for us to both do some of the things we wanted, both on a personal and professional level. We made plans to see each other at least twice a month (many thanks to Southwest!), and with that, we were officially a long distance couple.

For the first couple months, it was just as I (not Rachel) pictured it. I’m at a club or lounge on Friday and Saturday nights, I’m hitting up happy hours, and there’s no one waiting on me to get my black ass home. However, it didn’t take Rachel long at all to get sick and tired of my foolishness. The thing was, Rachel and I had an agreement. We agreed to speak every night before we went to bed, and when we went out, we’d make sure to call to let the other know we got home safely. Sounds simple enough, right? The HELL it was! In the midst of me living the “good life”, I’d get so caught up in my own world (wasted) that I’d forget to call. Now if you know Rachel, then you know that when she’s pissed, the gates of hell open up and the devil himself works on her behalf to verbally (and somehow physically) beat the living you-know-what out of you. Dealing with this woman, forgetting to call or not picking up the phone when she called meant MAJOR verbal trauma to the ear, which traveled down my spine and out my behind (not a pretty sight). And this was on top of the fact that I had no business drinking and partying on the regular like I was living single. You’ll be glad to know that I’m all better now…

It wasn’t until after I semi-retired from party central that I discovered the reason for my madness – the man was lonely (and borderline depressed – sad, I know). Thing was, Rachel and I did (and still do) damn near everything together. Sure, we’ll go out with our respective people, but 9 times out of 10, it’s me and my lil homie (young thuggin’). We hit the clubs, bars, lounges, movies, beaches, restaurants, whatever, TOGETHER. I got so caught up in wanting to live the “big city, bright lights” life, that I failed to realize that it’s not me, and more importantly, that’s not us (at least on the regular). Long story short – we did just over a year of her living in Pittsburgh and me in Chicago, and it wasn’t a good look at all.

Now during the course of me living in Chicago alone and trying to figure out what career path was best for me, I got some TERRIBLE advice. Dude told me that I should pursue my career goals, and if Rachel and I were meant to be, then we’d get back together somewhere down the road. Put another way – “Pursue your career, regardless of whether or not that puts you and Rachel in the same city.” Put another way – “The hell with Rachel! Do you, and if you hook back up in the future, then it’s all good, but if not, then the relationship wasn’t that strong anyway.” Excuse me?! What in the HELL do you think this is?! Like Jay-Z, “This is God engineering, this is a hail marry pass, ya’ll interfering”. Me and this woman were placed together for a reason, well beyond my own understanding. I thank God everyday for this woman, and couldn’t imagine my life without her, point-blank-period! I’m not exactly sure what you and your woman are doing, but me and mine hang tight. I’d put this woman before ANY job, ANY amount of cash, ANYTHING!

WHOA!!! - I think I just had a moment...Lord knows I got bad nerves. I almost had a flashback and stabbed somebody! WOOSA….ok, back to the topic of discussion…

So fast forward and here we are, summertime 2010. Rachel’s just finished up her 2^nd year of law school and I’m done with the 1^st year of my MBA program. Internship time! I’m focused on staying in DC for the summer because I’m not trying to relocate for 10 weeks, and Rachel’s looking for internships that will get her back into what she loves – the entertainment industry. Long story short, Rachel accepts a great opportunity with Bravo this summer in NY. I’m thinking, “Cool, I’ll shoot up there on the weekends, she’ll come down some weekends, and everything thing will be cool”. Neither one of us had ever spent significant time in NY, so this was a great chance to explore the Big Apple and do some new things. Yeaaaaa, BAD IDEA. We’re seeing each other late Friday nights after work and traveling, we spend the day together on Saturday, and before you know it, it’s time to hit the road Sunday afternoon to get back for work. Sure, we’d take a Friday or Monday off every now-and-then, but there’s no substitute when you’re used to seeing someone EVERY SINGLE DAY. My homeboy Mike’s wife, Shelby, told us it was going to be a beast, but we were like, “Naw, we got this. 10 weeks is nothing”. Leave that BS at the front door! I’ll give it to you like this – Rachel and I will never EVER live in separate cities again. I don’t give a damn if it’s for 10 days!

Bottom line - People that CHOOSE to live in a city separate from their significant other AND IT DOES NOT bother them, aren’t serious about each other OR their future together. PERIOD! And don’t get it twisted, because I’ll tell it to you to your face. As the homie GOD put it in Genesis 2:25, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave (strongly adhere) unto his wife: and they shall be ONE FLESH”. Now when’s the last time you saw or heard of “one flesh” surviving in two separate cities! If you’re not feeling that, try this; get a chainsaw, cut yourself in half and see how long you survive!

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait.” – Katt Williams