Our Little Secret

One of the worst mistakes people make in relationships is telling random (and not so random) people their business. Growing up I’ve always heard, “your business is your business, and it’s not for the whole world to know.” My elders also told me that, “you never let another person know how great your mate is, because they’ll want them too”. Now, I won’t go as far as to agree entirely with the second statement (I am watching you bitches), but I am a strong believer in keeping your relationship private. The arguments, the good times, the fun times, and the intimate times are yours and yours alone. Now don’t misunderstand me. Clearly, Julius and I are writing a blog based on our personal experiences. I simply mean that to the extent that some people share their relationships, messages can be taken out of context or misinterpreted. For example….

Julius and I have a mutual friend who has told us all the bad things that are wrong with his girl. The stuff that’s wrong with her personality, her family, how she frustrates him, etc. Yet, they’re supposed to be getting married?! At this point, Julius and I can’t help but wonder, especially with divorce rates so high, why you would want to stay with this girl, let alone marry her. To let this guy tell it, she’s got to be one of the worst females ever. Now this can’t be the case (or maybe it is), or else why would he still want to marry her? Also, because YOU are our personal friend, we already have preconceived notions about her. So what’s to be expected when we finally meet her? Anyone with good sense knows the deal – we don’t like her (based solely on your comments, and your comments alone), and we question your judgment.

The same goes for the other side of the coin. I can’t stand the couples (usually females) that get on Facebook professing their love for their boyfriend/girlfriend in every status update of every day of every hour. One, nobody believes you’re that happy. Two, how dumb do you look when y’all break-up. Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t post sweet messages about your significant other, but keep it real. No one wants to hear about how “the heavens parted, birds chirped, and angels sang as we made passionate love on the beach.” If that did happen, which I highly doubt, then keep that between the two of you. All we (the public) need to know is that you had a great weekend with your man. High-five for you, and we can all keep it pushing.

Julius and I have been together for close to 8 years. My closest friends (my mama too, but that’s another article for another time) can count on one hand (collectively) the times that I have called them complaining about Julius. NONE of our friends know ANYTHING about our sex life, or any other personal areas of our relationship. And lastly, people know how much Julius loves me, not because I had to tell everyone in order for them to believe me, but because it is obvious how happy (and in love) I am through my actions. No words needed.

XScape said a long time ago, “you're my little secret, and that's how we should keep it.

It's on everybody's mind, about you and I, they think so, but they don't really know.” Even though they were talking about cheating, the same rules apply. Keep the love you share with your mate to yourself. In the long run, people will respect your relationship for what it is, not what you say.

Piss or Get Off the Pot

About a week ago, I ran into a guy I hadn’t seen in over a year. Through the course of our conversation, I asked how he and his lady were doing. I knew that they had been together for several years, and asked him if they had any future plans. He mentioned that he was thinking about going back to school, and she the same. Long story short, he made two statements that I got hung up on. One, he and his lady were making plans to go to grad school in the same city (they are currently in separate cities), and two, that he couldn’t see himself with any other woman. Of course, this prompted me to ask when he was going to “take that plunge” (what a dumbass phrase). His reply – “I can’t see that happening anytime soon”. Now before I go on a rampage, this dude and his lady have been together for a number of years, like more than five, EASY. Now I can’t speak on the intricacies of their relationship, but I’m almost certain she’s ready to hear those four, mystical magical words whenever he fixes his lips to say them.

Now, as a man who waited several years before popping the question, I can understand some of the reservations that come with such a powerful question, or statement if you do it right (I told Rachel she didn’t have a say in the matter - it was either marry me, or a 20 story drop from the hotel window – no pressure). But seriously, when I graduated and moved to Chicago with Rachel at the age of 22, I had no doubt that I loved her, but I needed to see how our relationship looked outside of Howard. Also, I needed to make sure this was the woman I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Now I’m sure she’ll correct me if I’m wrong, but she would have married your boy right out of college (true story, stop hatin’). Me on the other hand, still had some nikkerish tendencies that I had to sort out. No, not what you think….well, maybe a lil bit (look but don’t touch type of thing). But mostly, I wanted to spend some cash, party, drink good, and live it up. I mean, with my first well-paying full-time job, this was the first time I really had money to blow. Outside of the ridiculous things I just mentioned, which weren’t so ridiculous at the time, I wanted to see our “chemistry” under the same roof. Specifically, how we dealt with issues like cooking, cleaning, paying bills, juggling work and personal time, etc. Without a deep dive into each area, it was hard work, and super stressful at times, but we learned a lot about our relationship and ourselves individually. Needless to say, at age 22 and 23, we weren’t quite ready (or at least I wasn’t) to take our relationship to the next level, BUT we made a conscious effort to get it there. And just as a side note, living together prior to marriage was one of the best decisions we made, but that topic’s for another day.

In the midst of all this madness going on in my head, I’m wondering if Rachel was really the one for me. I always told myself, I’m only doing this marriage thing one time, and marrying the wrong woman (or marrying at the wrong time) was one mistake I couldn’t afford to make. My parent’s divorce was hell on earth, and I promised myself that I’d never put myself or anyone else through anything like that.

Now this next part is a lil strange, but I’ll swear by it. What really helped me in making my final decision was something I had heard before, but for the life of me can’t recall where I got it from. Anyway, whenever I noticed an attractive woman, I tried to picture myself waking up next to them in the morning (not naked or anything wild like that). Cancel the makeup, the push-up bra, the tight jeans, the weave, and whatever else women use to boost their appearances, and could I see myself waking up to that person for the rest of my life. It probably won’t work for everybody, but it for damn sure worked for me. I pictured numerous women, and Rachel was the ONLY one that made the cut. I love to watch Rachel sleep, and to me she’s the cutest, sexiest woman alive doing it (even though she slobbers like a new born). On top of that, waking up next to her in the morning literally makes me smile (except when she’s in evil mode because she’s still tired or mad at me– she gets a gut shot on those days).

Bottom line – I couldn’t see myself being with any other woman on God’s green earth. The last thing I wanted was to have Rachel leave me because I couldn’t get my ish together, man up, and make some grown folk decisions. Let’s face it; women are on the clock, not men. If you can’t see yourself being with any other woman, on top of the fact that you both have invested considerable time in the relationship, drop down on your knee and ASK if she’d do your dumbass a huge favor and marry you. Don’t forget, it’s a question, not a statement. Mess it up, and you might just get the big N.O. Wait around too long thinking it’s all good, and she’s on to the next one. Next thing you know, she’s got a new prospect that has his priorities in order, and where you at? Staring at yourself in the mirror trying to figure out how you messed up one of the best things that ever happened to your retarded ass. I was fortunate enough to not jack it up, but like Beyonce said, “don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable”.

The Thrill of the Chase

Now usually I don’t do this, so we’ll see how it goes. I’m a talker, not a writer, so Lord help me….

“I know she just think I think she’s some kind of hoe…I don’t give a sh$! about her giving it up on the first night….that just let’s me know, she know what she want outta life”. You can’t blame it on Andre 3000, and you for damn sure can’t blame it on the alcohol. Blame it on whoever made you think he’d hang around if you gave it up on the first, second, or third night. The last thing a real man wants is a female that anybody can get. In my opinion, one of the sexiest, most exciting parts of the relationship is the chase. There’s nothing like the late night conversations that last hours, wondering if she’s gonna hit you back, hoping you’ll get the invite back to the crib after a night out, imagining what kind of lingerie she has on, how she gets down when the time is right ;)…I could go on and on. But let’s be real…females run the full spectrum, from giving it up to the first brotha that shows interest, to not giving a brotha the time of day unless he possesses ALL 50 characteristics on the “Superman” check list.

I guess I’ll share my initial experiences with Rachel to provide some perspective. I was so into Rachel because she turned me on, both mentally and physically. She kept me at a distance, but not so far that I felt like I didn’t have a shot. Unlike many of the other females I talked to, Rachel wouldn’t even give me her number when I first talked to her. At one point, she even had the audacity to tell me, “You’re not important enough to get my cell phone number and waste my minutes, but I’ll give you my room number.” Now I’m lookin at this 5 foot, 2 3/4 inch light-skinned little woman telling me what she was and wasn’t gonna do, and I was feeling it. That look in her eyes when she gave me the room number let me know that the chase was on!!

First of all, this was one of the baddest chicks that ever came across my path freshman year. There was no question about the physical attraction (at least on my part). Now I may have been a skinny, tall, weird lookin dude, but I got one helluva mouth piece, and she had one to match ya boy. She wasn’t on the market when I met her, but she was so on point that I was satisfied with whatever she was willing to give (which was just conversation). I found myself calling her (on her room phone…wack) leaving corny messages. As Rachel and Kyana put it (because of course she let her friends listen) “Uh Rachel uh...this is Julius…uh…I guess you’re not in your room…uh…call me when you…uh…get home.” She must have been feeling me enough because she always called me back the same day. Anyway, our conversations would last for hours. What stood out about Rachel wasn’t that she respected herself (which she did), but more so that she knew her self worth. She knew she wasn’t just any ole chick. She knew she was top notch, and that if I was trying to get on the team then I had to come correct.

Fellas:

If you’re going to spend your time, money and energy getting after a woman, PLEASE make sure she’s worth it. There’s nothing wrong with setting standards. There’s everything wrong with chasing any ole thing because you wanted a new chick on the team, especially if you trying to get on your grown man. We are getting to a point where we need to be thinking about who we can take home to mama. And if you’re still at that phase in your life where you need to have sex with multiple women, I’m not talking to you anyway. I’m talking to fellas that want the mental orgasm just as bad as the physical. If you just focus on the physical, it’ll be 6 months before you realize she’s dumb as a brick and now you’ve wasted time chasing a woman who’s not worth chasing. And now what? Now you have to start all over with a new woman versus ending the relationship off the break when you realized she brick dumb. Stop being lazy. Any woman worth having is worth working for.

Ladies:

Are you chaseable? Seriously. It’s cute to be independent and all…we actually like it (men like to get treated too!). But are you so independent that you scare men away? Real men respect women in the corporate world doing their thing. But be clear, the corporate attitude can be a major turn off. Also, there’s a difference between being sexy and seductive, and being a straight-up slut. Understand, you need to draw men in. The trap is the physical, but we also need that killer conversation. Women will forever and a day be harassed by guys, period. So get over it. If you weren’t getting harassed, you’d be stressed out at night trying to figure out why the hell men didn’t find you attractive. Switch up the scene if you’re not coming across the right men. My beautiful black women are truly queens, and should be treated as such. But in order for us to do that, we need you to know how to treat yourself first.

The Bottom Line: The chase is it! Stop being lazy. I mean even, Barack had to play Michelle’s brother in hoops before she would even go on a date with him. Now what would have happened if he had given up on the chase?

Mr. Slim

Why We're Writing This Blog....

We didn’t realize that our relationship was special until more recent years. According to CNN, 45% of black women never get married. I got married at 24. Not only that, but Julius and I met at Howard University when I was 17. 7 ½ years later we got married (in 2009) without ever breaking up. We both graduated on time from Howard University, and now we are both receiving advanced degrees at Howard University School of Law and Howard University School of Business. We’ve learned through the years that this just does not happen, especially among black couples.

We had good reason to believe that our relationship was anything but special. We like each other (most of the time) and have fun together. Our relationship has not been perfect, and the ones closest to us know that. We both have strong personalities (and I mean real strong). We started out as “opposites”, but found out we were more alike than we thought.

In the beginning, we were the fun couple, then we were the serious couple, and then somewhere along the way, we became the example of Black Love for people closest to us. We didn’t want the title, didn’t ask for it, and for sure didn't think we deserved it. However, we learned in our marriage counseling (which is another topic for another time) that regardless of what we want, marriage and love is a ministry and we should take it seriously.

We don’t profess to know everything about what makes a good relationship, or what the right way is to get a man or woman. BUT, we stayed together without any major hiccups at Howard University from freshman through senior year and beyond (which quite frankly is a difficult thing to do), so instead of telling you what to do, we’ll just share with you, what we did, and maybe it will help someone along the way.

Madame