Your "Type" Should be a Guideline, NOT a Checklist

This video (posted by ooziebrown on Youtube) has accumulated A LOT of buzz around the relationship world. I will keep my peace on whether or not I think she's right...However, I have reposted what I think about having a checklist when you're single and looking. (FYI I posted this when Chilis' show was still on.)

We would like to hear your comments about the video in general, and the article. Let's get some DIALOGUE going!

When Julius and I first met, I had a man. A man that I thought was the perfect gentleman and whom I was sure to marry. He didn’t drink, cuss, smoke, treated his mama right, was very attractive, and went to church WITH me every Sunday. We were in love. Then I met Julius. Initially, he wanted me, and I could not care less about him. Rude right?! At 17 I didn’t care. He was tall, lanky, country, smoked, drank, believed in God, but wouldn’t go to church (how many times have we heard that?), and last but not least he cussed like a sailor. Needless to say, he was not my "type". I was kind of like Chili. My list of qualities I was looking for in a man was a mile long, and before I met Julius, every one of my boyfriends had fit the bill. The thing that Julius had that no one else did was sick conversation.

Too many times we write potential mates off because we aren't initially attracted to them, or they don’t fit into this box of what we "think" an ideal mate should be. If I wrote Julius off, or more importantly, if he wrote me off because of my type, I would be without a husband. And did I settle? HELL NO!!

Julius and I started to converse on a very regular basis. Since we were just friends (being friends first, what an interesting concept), I had no problem telling him exactly what I wanted in a man. Good thing for me it didn’t scare him away. Eventually I moved on from my relationship with my boyfriend, but Julius and I continued to talk. Our conversations lasted for HOURS.

Eventually we started dating. Did Julius stop drinking? No, but we recognized adult limits. Did he stop smoking? Eventually. Did he stop cussing? Hell, I cuss too. Did he start going to church? Yes, and now we pray together every night. If I gave up from the door, where would I be? ALONE!! Was I initially attracted to Julius? No, but he is the SEXIEST man alive now.

Did I lose my values, no, but as I grew, and we grew as a couple, Julius didn’t conform to my standards, he just reformed into a better person, and a better mate for me. We had a helluva time every step of the way.

At the end of the day, remember why you have a type in the first place. You want someone who shares the same values, but don’t let your “type” stop you from finding the one you're meant to be with. After all, has Chili found what she wants yet? NO!

A Marathon...NOT a Sprint

On Saturday, October 2, 2010, I achieved a major milestone in my life. I ran my FIRST 5K. No, a 5K is not 5,000 miles, as Dunder Mifflin Regional Manager Michael Scott thought, it is a mere 3.1 miles. For the running enthusiast, this is NOTHING. But for my thick behind, this was a MAJOR feat. At first glance, this might seem like this has nothing to do with being Young, Black, or Married, but in reality, it has to do with all three.

As a child, I was small, fat, small again, and now I will classify myself as thick. I have fat genes in my family (thanks mom and dad), and at 25, I see the weight (which is a significant, but undisclosed amount) that I gained at Howard holding onto my thighs for dear life. As a black woman, being overweight brings a whole HOST of issues that could affect my health. Therefore, it is important for me to watch what I eat, and have an exercise regimen that I will stick to. I’ve played the whole, “I’ll start my diet tomorrow”, or “maybe if I just walk an extra 20 minutes a day the weight will come off,” game. Yea, it doesn’t work. Therefore, when I set the goal in May to run a 5K by fall, I had to be serious. In May, I wasn’t even able to run more than 3 minutes without stopping. My time for the 5K (which in runner speech is terrible) was 42 minutes (of NON-STOP jogging). For me, that was an amazing feat.

When Julius and I met, I was between a size 2 and 4. If you see me now, I’m obviously not that small. Even then, Julius said I could stand to gain some weight (he’s from the south, so he likes them a little thick). I took his words way too literally, and went completely ape shit. Or did I? I thought since I was young, I could eat whatever I wanted, do whatever I wanted, and I wouldn’t gain weight. LIES AND DECEIT. However, through it all, Julius has never judged, belittled, or made me feel as if I was not pretty. Well I guess he couldn’t, cause I am still a FINE STONE-COLD DIME. Nevertheless, when I started my weight loss journey, he was and is 100% supportive. He’s supported me through my countless diets, cooked healthier food, and always exercises with me. (He ran the 5K too, 20 minutes faster than me, but he did it just to support me.) And, if you’ve seen Julius, you know he doesn’t need to do ANY of the above. He does it because he loves me. And I love him for his truly unconditional love. But if I consider myself to be a good mate, I know that to keep the passion and fire in our relationship, I have to work on my flaws as well. He shouldn’t need to point it out for me to want to fix it. That comes with time, and serious self-reflection.

I haven’t reached my weight goal yet, but I know I will. I am in some of the best shape of my life, and I am happy that I have my husband/best friend to share this with. I am gearing up for a 10K in December, and I know that Julius will be right there with me.

Closer Than Close

Growing up, I had this picture perfect image of how married life would be. I’d have a beautiful wife, nice crib, expensive car, fat bank account, career success, etc. Based on the 5 things listed, I’m only shooting 20% from the field (that’s 1 out of 5 for you math majors). Now the next logical question is; what exactly is that one thing that I’ve been able to achieve so far? Well…considering the fact that I’d like to be alive long enough to write at least one more article, I’m pretty lucky because Rachel’s the finest thing walking on God’s green earth.

Now at 26, I guess I can’t be mad at the fact that I’m not swimming in dough, that I haven’t purchased my first crib, or even that I’m not the CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation (I’m not tripping – the global takeover is still in full effect). Nope! I’m not sweatin’ any of that. However, if you told me that I’d spend my first year of marriage (working on our 2^nd year now) in a dorm with 300 plus undergraduate students, I’d say you had a better chance of shooting yourself in the face, driving yourself to the hospital, removing the bullet yourself, and making a full recovery. Long story short, don’t squeeze that trigger. The number one mistake I made was relying on my plan, not God’s plan. We often get so caught up on “having it our way”, that we get pissed off when things don’t go “according to plan”. Burger King didn’t create man (they just created that weird ass King with the scary smile), nor did they create the concept of marriage (God just happened to have a hand in that too). Given the fact that we aren’t in control, we should focus more on the blessings of whatever situation we’re in, regardless of how difficult or stressful it may be at the time. “To live is to suffer, but to survive, well, that's to find meaning in the suffering”. I’m sure DMX wasn’t the first to say it, but ever since he did I’ve never forgotten it.

Now that all the deep stuff is out of the way, let’s layout what the misses and me are really working with. It’s mental picture time! Now for those of you familiar with the One-Eyed Monster, you’ve already been introduced to our kitchen. For those that haven’t had the privilege, allow me to make a formal introduction (this won’t take long). The kitchen is, and has always been, a hot plate and his trusty sidekick, the toaster oven. Our countertop, cabinets, pantry, etc. is a made from none other than a twin-sized bed. Our dishwasher uses the latest technology to get all the grit and grime off any pot or pan. Most commonly referred to as the bathroom sink, a rag, and God’s own creation (our hands), we guarantee 100% satisfaction. Thirsty? Hungry? No problem! Just take a peek into either of our luxury refrigerators about the size of a three-year-old child and grab what you like (Ballin!). Is it morning already? Time to get dressed and get the day started? No problem! Just ask Rachel to slide to the other side of the bed so you don’t step on her pretty lil head as you climb over the bed to jump in the closet and pick out a fly outfit.

With all that said, I’m sure you’re all dying to trade places with me and the wife. We’ve all fantasized about living like kings and queens, but only the elite actually have the luxury of doing so. But seriously, WTF! The adjustment was extremely hard, especially coming from a one-bedroom apartment with a real kitchen, bedroom, living room, etc. What I learned very early though was that there was no point in complaining. It is what it is. After I got over feeling sorry for myself and my new wife, that’s when I started to realize how much of a blessing this whole situation was. When Rachel and I argue, we can’t storm out of the room and go to the basement, living room, etc. to get away. Best we can do is hang out in the bathroom if we feel like slamming doors, but there’s not a whole lot going down in the bathroom outside of the obvious. Point is, no matter how mad we get at each other, we can’t get away from one another without dealing with the outside world, and we don’t take our business to the streets. Bottom line – We’re forced to work though whatever issues or situations we face, TOGETHER.

Now don’t get it twisted, I could have stayed in consulting, and we could have bought a house. Rachel could have still been working in radio, and we could be moving toward a different dream. But instead, Rachel wanted to go to law school, and I wanted to get my MBA. In the midst of me bitchin’ and moanin’, I forgot to mention that we live in that dorm for FREE, and both our degrees cost next to nothing when it’s all said and done. Yes, a JD and an MBA for the price of staying in a dorm for two years. We’ll take it. It hasn’t been the most ideal situation, but when we’re ready to make our next move, we’ll have two graduate degrees, and a helluva lot of money saved up to begin putting the master plan into full effect.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t change a thing, but I’m glad that’s not an option. I thank God that he blessed me with a woman who I not only love, but like as well. I truly enjoy her company and spending time with her. I respect what she brings to the table and how well we work together. We’re both hustlers and down to do whatever it takes to reach our goals (even if it means we gotta bust on a fool). Through this experience we’ve learned a lot about both our relationship and ourselves. It’s not ideal, but it has done more for our relationship than either one of us could have imagined. From now on, I think I’ll go with God’s plan over my own any day.

The Single Life

So this week we are giving love to another one of the blogs out there. While some of these bloggers are full of crap, we liked this one in particular from MyBrotha.com. It's a little lengthy, but read it all the way through, for some vital information.

The Single Life

By Mybrotha.COM Relationship Editor

(Mybrotha.COM) - While hanging out with friends at a trendy sports bar, one of my boys mentioned his desire to hook up with a young lady he'd met a few weeks before. He talked about her witty personality, her love for the Indianapolis Colts, and how her sex appeal was like nothing he'd ever experienced.

I was curious about his intentions--since I know how he is--and I asked him if he planned to start something serious with her. His response was: "Yes--I 'seriously' want to see her naked."

Everybody laughed.

I chuckled a bit too. But I began to wonder why a 35-year old man, who has a great job, good health and maintains a fairly even temperament, would still be chasing skirts rather than focusing on a meaningful relationship and marriage.

That's when I realized that we (guys) embrace our singleness differently than our female counterparts. The trials of the independent woman have been well documented over the years, and most sistas I know are still fighting that battle.

Men, however, relish the benefits of being single. We don't possess the social or psychological thirst for long-term relationships like women. Men want to be married, but we also want the benefits of singlehood. This is exactly why men get married and block off part of the house and call it a "man-room." I've seen men build additions onto their houses, or convert attics and garages into solitudes of manliness. With a choice of movies, gameware, food and alcohol, these man-spaces are a symbolic step back into the single life.

What is it that makes the single life so enjoyable for men, and why do women eagerly give up their independence in the name of love?

The idea of being permanently and legally attached to another human being is a mind-rattling concept for men. Rather than meditate on the lifelong growth, support, love and companionship they will receive, men often think about the loss of freedom a relationship brings. For many men, being locked down to one woman is scary. What if she nags too much? What if she tries to change him? What about the desire to look at, and be with other women? Questions like these permeate the minds of men and may push them to choose the single life over married life.

Some psychologists believe that men are socialized to crave several women. Sowing our oats; playing the field; testing the waters. We've all heard the cliches. Sadly, we buy into it with our double standards, an ever increasing divorce rate, and a ridiculous number of fatherless children. Entertainment and media contribute to the problem with its one guy/multiple girl music videos, and mysogenistic themes which encourage boys to label women as objects.

The problem with this lifestyle is that it completely opposes the institution of marriage. For men who crave the single life, being married means never again having the alternative to be with different women. Even more restrictive is knowing that you can't simply walk away when things don't go as planned.

A man's desire to have multiple options can arguably be traced back to our African ancestry. Polygamy (a marriage in which one man has two or more wives) existed all over Africa as part of culture and religion. These marriages have been more common than not throughout the history of Africa. Many African societies saw children as a form of wealth. Thus, polygamy was part of empire building and it was taught as a way of life. It was only during the colonial era, when polygamist ideals conflicted with European interests, that plural marriages were perceived as taboo.

Let's not forget about black women though. Many sistas enjoy the single life too. Most of them will tell you that they love hanging out with their girlfriends and appreciate the joys of dating different men. No strings attached dinners, movies, traveling, and companionship can be a pleasant experience. But most black women, unlike black men, prefer to be in a meaningful relationship that eventually leads to a bouquet being carried down an aisle.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, over 96.6 million Americans 18 and older were single in 2009. Of those, 53% were women. I'd be willing to bet that most of this 53% would like to be in a long-term relationship.

Recent data also shows that there are 88 unmarried men age 18 and older for every 100 unmarried women in the U.S. No wonder the single, independent woman is having such a hard time finding something she truly desires. Not only are there fewer men overall, but there are fewer single men to match up with single women. The situation is even bleaker for women since many of those single men--like my boy at the bar--aren't breaking any speed limits to track down single women and start relationships.

I guess this is what happens when you mix people who desire to be in relationships (women) with people who could go either way (men).

Maybe somebody should document all of this singleness (men) and undesired singleness (women)? Maybe there should be a "singles day," or "singles week" where bachelors can think about how much longer they want to be single, and unattached women can show them what they're missing?

Actually, there already is such a thing. "National Singles Week" was started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their contributions to society. The week is now widely observed during the third full week of September (Sept. 19-25 in 2010) as "Unmarried and Single Americans Week," an acknowledgment that many unmarried Americans do not identify with the word "single" because they are parents, or have partners.

Whether a man uses the term "unmarried" or "single," he may still choose to live like he's unattached. Those who study our African ancestry and research specific biblical passages will argue that there's a natural tendency to desire more than one woman. But even while allowing polygamy in the Old Testament, the Bible presents monogamy as the policy which most resembles God's plan for marriage.

Men shouldn't make the mistake of believing that their enjoyment of the single life, and being sexually attracted to women, is indicative of a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship. It simply isn't true. Wanting to hang out with the boys, or gaze at beautiful women doesn't mean you're incapable of committing to one woman. It just means you're a guy.

As men, we never get tired of looking at, or fantasizing about women. At some point though, most of us realize the "grass is greener" mentality fails horribly. Still, some men—like my boy—are convinced that they're missing out on something when they settle down with one woman.

I think I'll have a 'serious' talk with my friend to see where his confidence level is. He's told me in the past that he wants to be married, and there are so many women to choose from--approximately 53% (or 51.5 million) of them.

Here's the link to the article, and their blog. http://www.mybrotha.com/single-life.asp

Get Your Head in the Game

Tony! Toni! Tone! said it best…”Do you know what today is?” No, it’s not your anniversary, so fall back. But it does mark a pivotal day in the sports world. Do you know what it is? If you don’t…go kill yourself. Well don’t do that, but it is possible that you have effectively killed your relationship, or any potential that you would have had of finding a significant other.

This message is for the ladies.

If you don’t know what today is, shame on you, because it is effectively the day where your relationship will change for at least the next 4 to 5 months. It is the first game of the NFL regular season. Why is this important? Because (and I have no REAL statistics to back this) at least 95% of men are either football fans or sports fans. In my 25, almost 26 years on this earth, I am dumbfounded every time I meet a woman who has NO IDEA what a touchdown is, or how many points a field goal is worth. If it’s annoying to me, I know for a fact it’s annoying to your significant other. Sports aren’t just some annoying thing that men use to ignore you; it’s something that they truly enjoy. (Think about your guilty pleasure, like ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’, or a Broadway play.) If your man is into sports as much as I am, your ignorance on the topic is just plain ridiculous.

I have been an AVID Pittsburgh Steelers fan for 25 years (yes, I was a fan when I came out the womb). I live, breathe, sing, talk smack, act ridiculous, and anything else you can think of for the mighty Black and GOLD. My knowledge of sports ensures that Julius and I don’t have topics that are off limits. I can talk about almost any sport on this planet, but I am well versed in the fundamentals of football, basketball, and baseball. Because of my understanding of sports, I have never been the annoying girlfriend/fiancé/wife that interrupts him when he was watching the game. I actually watch it with him. I never get an attitude when he wants to play Madden with his boys. I actually root for him. It was never a chore to get him tickets to a basketball game, or for us to watch football because I understood what was going on.

Have I knocked on your door yet? Well picture this; Julius doesn’t (better NOT) have anything to say when I ask him to go to a Broadway play. And he doesn’t have an attitude when I want to see a chick flick. Why? Because I don’t give him any lip when he does so-called “guy things.”

If you’re single, learn sports because it’s a great icebreaker. If you have a luva, learn sports so that there will be one less argument that you and your booski wooski have. But all jokes aside, FOOTBALL IS THE ISH…so get off your high horse and watch the greatest game ON EARTH.And if you don’t have a team to root for, root for the best team in the Universe, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

And my good deed is done for the day. Fellas, you can thank me now…

If You Can't Take the Heat...

Then your best bet is to not even think about stepping into our kitchen. Our kitchen isn’t for the weak. The weak-hearted wouldn’t last one hour in our kitchen. All you so-called master chefs out there making your fancy gourmet meals wouldn’t last one day in my hood. Why? Because your kitchen ain’t built like my kitchen. And there you go, questioning me like I’m some damn fool who doesn’t know what he’s talkin’ about. That’s cool…check me out then. My counter-top is a bed. My cutting board is a plastic plate. My conventional oven is a toaster oven, and the baddest mother of them all…my stove top is a one-eyed MONSTER (also known as a hot plate). How you like me now?! Bet you won’t second-guess me again, punk! Damn straight! And we make it happen. Don’t cry for me Argentina. We eat like kings around here.

This morning the wife had to wake up and work the front desk at 8am. Oh, and for those that don’t know, we’re 25 and 26 living in a dorm room. Now this isn’t one of those fancy dorm rooms with the fully equipped kitchen or separate bedrooms. This is more like a funny shaped studio, made for two college kids, or for one grown ass person. It ain’t ideal, but we make it happen.

Anyway, the wife requested, and was granted, a two-egg omelet. Ingredients: Sautéed bell peppers, red onions, jalapeños, smoked turkey, and of course, the cheddar cheese (cheddar always makes it better).

Check out the pics below and let me know what you think. The wife and I will keep you posted on the adventures of the One-Eyed Monster and all his creations.